The Toxicity in Our Lives
by g-na-1358
Summary: Eren never wanted to see his old karate coach again. Not now, not ever. But of course, with his sister still active in the sport, he couldn't successfully avoid him forver, no matter how careful he was. (TRIGGER WARNING for anxiety attacks)


**A/N:** Can be read as stand alone but is part 8 of a series. (All of them are standalones but timeline goes: You will always be my- - Angel - You are the one - You are my salvation - Do you have wounds? - Do you have scars? - Wrong thing - The Toxicity in our lives)

* * *

Eren didn't want to see him. Never again. The man was at least 80% responsible for most of his problems. If not directly, he definitely helped make them grow and become an actual problem instead of just an inconvenience.

Eren hated him.

He spent some good ten years worshiping his old karate coach, respecting him, believing everything he said, and doing his best to please him. Growing up believing the man was untouchable and forgiving - _excusing_ \- all his faults and mistakes.

That's why it hurt so bad.

That's why, 'None of you even care a bit about me; I sacrifice so much for you and none of you ever appreciate it, never help. I hate this sport and you ungrateful people,' hit Eren so hard every time.

Because Eren did care. Would do anything to satisfy the man, would do anything to help. His entire high school life was spent going from school straight to the dojo to help out with the beginner classes, then staying with the advanced class for his own training. An hour spent travelling and four hours in the dojo twice a week, plus two classes a week for the competitors special classes. Then his weekends were either spent on competitions or in the training with Mikasa in their house. Twice a day during the worst time, on their father's insistence.

It was exhausting, Eren was constantly walking the line of a complete mental and physical breakdown, but it was what his coach and father wanted.

What he had thought he had to do to make the two man happy.

Not that it ever did, nothing was ever enough, always pushing him to do more more more.

To the point that Eren spent the entire school year when he was 15 or 16 either at school, training, sleeping, or crying. Sometimes two at the same time. Sleeping at school, crying while training. Crying with exhaustion and the unfairness of his life.

Because for some reason, nobody had ever asked him if this was what he had wanted, they just assumed it was, ignored anything Eren ever said on the matter, and only got pissed off when he showed the smallest bit of resistance.

And to top it all of…

Nobody had ever asked why he was crying, if he was okay.

Not once.

Not even when he would spend the last 20 minutes of every single training with tears streaming down his face for months. At least 20 people saw twice a week during that time. None of them ever asked.

Eren didn't realize how much he was suffering. Thought it was normal, that _he_ was the problem. That it was his fault for not enjoying it, for not trying _hard enough._ He didn't realize how much he hated it all until he left for college and couldn't train as often; didn't have the fear how his father and coach would react if he dared to say he didn't want to do something hanging over his head.

Once he got some distance... It started to dawn on him how much he dreaded the trainings and seeing the people. Seeing _the_ person. It was draining just thinking about it, and it was getting harder and harder to force himself to get up and leave the apartment.

He started to ditch.

Using school as an excuse, he apologized many times about how he couldn't come, didn't have time, had to study, had essays to write.

Then he stopped apologizing. Stopped coming.

Not daring to say the words, 'I quit,' to either his coach or his father, he just stopped.

Years later, and Eren didn't even know if he ever liked karate; couldn't remember a time when he did. The only things he felt now when he heard the word, or the name of his coach, were a dull ache, contempt, a scream caught in his throat. Words he wanted to say, curses aimed at his coach and father burning painfully on his tongue, making tears well up in his eyes.

"Are you sure you're going to be okay?" Mikasa asked with concern when she finally stopped the car in front of the gym.

Her and Jean's karate team was organizing a competition that weekend and Eren had agreed to help them out since he was a good brother and friend – as much as he and Jean fought all the time, he was a good guy. A good friend and a great fiancé for Mikasa.

Their old coach was leaving for vacation the very same day and wasn't supposed to be there but of course, it wouldn't be Eren if something didn't go wrong. Just the evening before they found out the coach would stop by for maybe an hour or two. Mikasa was obviously extremely sorry about this turn of events but couldn't do anything about it either. She had offered for Eren to only come in later when the coast would be clear but it was impossible as Eren had no other way of getting there. Levi, his only other way of transport, was busy that morning and was only free to come around noon – which was about two hours after Mikasa would need Eren.

There was nothing they could do about it, so Eren just attempted to smile at his sister reassuringly. By the way her frown deepened, he wasn't very successful. "I'll be fine," he sighed. "Hopefully, he won't even notice me."

Mikasa chewed on her bottom lip, struggling to find any words. Finally, she said, "You can sit in the back hallway until he leaves, he shouldn't have any reason to go there."

They both knew Eren couldn't do that, there wouldn't be a point in him being there at all if he could just disappear for the entire morning. But still, Eren was grateful for her trying to help and a feeling of warmth and love for his sister washed over him. "Yeah, I might do that," Eren nodded before he looked away, muttering, "Thank you."

Mikasa smiled softly and reached over to squeeze Eren's forearm briefly.

Eren had promised he'd be fine several times to both Mikasa and Levi – who was probably more pissed about the development than Eren was – but honestly, he wasn't sure he would be. Couldn't predict how he would react to seeing the man for the first time in maybe three years. Couldn't even predict how he would react to the karate environment in general.

All he could do was clench his teeth and hope for the fucking best.

* * *

Arriving into the hall where the actual competition would start in about an hour, it was pure confusion, as these things often go. The one person who actually knew what still needed to be done – Jean – didn't have two seconds to breathe, running from one end of the hall to the other and shouting instructions at people as he went, while everybody else stood idly by, either not knowing what they should do to help or just avoiding having to do anything in favour of chatting with friends in the corner.

Eren could only roll his eyes at the loud, squeaky group of twelve year old girls running around with no regard for anything and anyone else. It's been years since Eren had even set foot into this environment but he had to admit some things never change. There would always be that one group of girls set to annoy the ever living fuck out of everyone.

For Eren, the time before the competition really started was boring. He didn't have anything to do, there were more than enough people for the carrying of chairs and plugging in cables. So he just sat around and texted Levi until he would be needed to give support to the referees – filling out the draws as this or that category progressed, making sure the competing kids were properly dressed and ready for their matches, and later keeping the time and scores for the fights once the form categories finished.

He just had to wait for Jean to tell him which one of the three tatami – fighting grounds of sort – he'd be attending to and when.

Which also meant he had to sit in one place close to the organizers table so Jean or Mikasa knew where to find him.

In other words, he couldn't run away when his old coach finally arrived. He couldn't escape, couldn't hide; could only look at his phone, try to make himself look smaller, and hope he'd go unnoticed.

If Eren was being honest... He probably wouldn't be able to move from where he was sitting regardless. Seeing that face, hearing that voice... It sent a jolt of pain through his stomach, like somebody had stabbed him with a dull knife without warning and left the knife there. Eren couldn't move. Couldn't even see.

He only clutched at his phone, staring blankly at the message from Levi that just popped up without reading it, without even being able to tell apart what was text and what was the background of the bubble.

Cold sweat ran down his back; or maybe that was the dread and anxiety sending shivers down his spine. Eren felt lightheaded. Everything was becoming blurry and he felt sick. He was afraid he would throw up.

"Look who we have here!" That voice. That _fucking_ voice that Eren know _so well_ and that made his entire body jerk and his breathing quicken.

Eren just gripped his phone tighter like it was his only connection with reality. And maybe it was. Maybe if he let go, he'd just fly off right into the pitch black, swirling void that was beginning to envelop him.

He didn't look up, didn't turn his eyes to gaze at the face of the man who almost broke him in the past. He didn't even say anything. Just sat where he was, in the same position as a minute ago. Or five minutes ago. How long has it been since Eren noticed the man arrive? How long has he been standing right in front of him, expecting some kind of reaction out of Eren?

When he realized Eren wouldn't even greet him, he continued his attempt at making conversation with a joke. A joke that sounded so, so painfully accusing it made Eren sick. The man always had a way of making "jokes" that were just hidden insults or accusations. Obviously he was still the same as he was five years ago, as he was ten years ago. "How come I see Mikasa so often but you Eren; you disappeared so suddenly, I didn't think you were even alive!"

"I am. apparently," Eren replied quietly, curtly, and even he could hear how full of sarcasm his words were.

A beat of silence passed and Eren thought he might have gotten the hint and would leave him the fuck alone now, but it wouldn't be his coach if he just did that.

"You're not very communicative," he said, having the nerve to sound _hurt_.

 _Butthurt_ , Eren's mind supplied. Probably couldn't comprehend anyone not falling to their asses in front of him.

"Happens," Eren muttered through gritted teeth. There was a noise in his ears. Like a sound fog, a white noise that meant nothing. Maybe blood rushing through his ears.

Finally, Eren saw the feet disappear from his vision. He thought he could relax now that the coach left him alone but... He still felt trapped. Still frozen in place.

At least he felt his chest move, like a lock that kept his ribcage from expanding or collapsing too much fell away. He could breathe now, his vision clearing up somewhat as well. The white noise in his ears, however, stayed, as did the way he clutched at his phone. Still afraid to let go, to lose his one link to the real world, outside whatever the fuck realm of reality he was in now.

Luckily, it wasn't long until Jean ran up to Eren and sent him to help out at the furthermost tatami. Directly opposite of where their coach was standing and Eren was thankful. Neither Jean nor Mikasa really knew how deep Eren's problem with the guy was but they still did their damn hardest to help avoid any contact Eren might have with him and Eren loved them for it.

Having something to do was a welcome distraction but at the same time, Eren was forced to suppress all his feelings, not having the time or space to deal with them. It was something he had a lot of practice with, he was a master at hiding his freak outs and he was sure nobody who didn't know him exceptionally well could tell. Beside being a bit distracted and messing up once or twice, he was perfectly okay outwardly.

Of course, that didn't mean the emotions and anxiety weren't there. They were still right there where he left them earlier, alive and raw, and Eren knew the longer he ignored them, the worse his inevitable breakdown would be.

But Eren thought he was doing okay, that maybe things weren't that bad. The longer he shouted instructions at the little kids, the longer he was running around the tatami, the less he _felt_ and the calmer he was.

But then he could hear that _goddamn voice_ again.

"Hey, Eren."

Eren jumped, a shiver running through his entire body. His feet froze to the ground once more as his head automatically whipped around to look at the source of the noise.

"Hi?" Eren tried lamely. Confused. They had already greeted each other, why did he have to talk to him again. Wasn't once enough? Why wasn't anything ever enough? Eren wanted to run away. Could only stare blankly with wide eyes, deprived of the ability to move at all.

The swirling darkness was back. He couldn't even see the coach's face. Nor could he see the little kid running towards him until he bumped into Eren. Apologizing half-assedly, before running around him. Eren didn't really notice even then; it was like he was separated from the world by a thick blanket.

"I'm leaving, just saying bye," the coach said in a tone that sounded so accusing, so passive-aggressive that Eren could almost hear the unvoiced 'You don't need to sound so pissed off, _god._ Are you eight.'

Eren hated the tone. Hated how fucking _guilty_ it made him feel. How it made him want to apologize.

He probably would have said he was sorry if he wasn't so completely paralyzed.

Like this, he could only weakly call a 'bye' towards the retreating back of his coach.

Right then, Jean approached him. He was obviously unaware of what just happened, just nudged Eren to get his attention, told him his tatami was to have a lunch break now, and left. Eren barely comprehended who it was and what he told him. Only thing that Eren caught was 'break.'

Dropping the draws and his pen he was holding at the referee table, Eren quickly walked out of the hall and into the secluded hallway Mikasa mentioned when they arrived that morning.

* * *

"You should train more, you're too lazy. You have to train alone at home if you want to get better, you know?"

 _I train nine times a week, we told you so many times that we train alone with Mikasa, how much more should we train?_

"Haha, there's no way you train on your own."

 _But I do! Why won't you believe me?_

"You're ungrateful and don't do anything in return for me; there's not even anybody to take over if I decide I've had enough with you."

 _I cover for you and lead the trainings every time you can't come. I'm here to help with every kids' training. I'm just a little older than them, I'm not a leader nor do I have the knowledge or authority to teach them anything, what more can I do?_

"If you win the national championships, I'll send you out to European championships."

 _I did it! All the crying, all the pain was worth it! Finally they can be proud of me!_

"The nomination's out. Reiner's going instead of you."

 _Why? Whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhy?_

"Aww Eren, are you actually _upset_ I sent out Reiner? If you train hard, you might go next time."

 _When is 'next time?' How much more do you want from me? If I start coughing up blood will that be enough? Why do I need to go that far? Why, no, nonononononononononono-_

"Eren!"

Eren jerked at the urgent call of his name, looking up with panic from where he was sitting on the cold ground, hugging his knees to his chest only to see Levi crouching in front of him.

Levi was looking at him with clear concern, his hands hovering a few inches away from Eren's shoulders as if he was unsure if Eren wouldn't break if he touched him. Eren wasn't sure why. Honestly, he wasn't even sure when his boyfriend arrived.

How long had he been sitting here on the floor anyway? How long did he spend running around in his head, lost in the past, replaying all the bad things that had happened?

"Eren, breathe; it's okay. He's gone," Levi said quietly in a soothing voice, still looking at Eren like he was the most fragile thing in the entire world.

Eren blinked a few times, only now realizing he stopped breathing when Levi broke him out of his trance. Taking a deep, shaky breath, Eren noticed he felt dizzy. Like he had too much and too little oxygen at the same time. Had he been hyperventilating before Levi came?

Deeming Eren solidly grounded again, Levi finally reached out all the way, one hand gently holding Eren's elbow while the other went up to brush Eren's cheek.

Eren closed his eyes at the contact, not wanting to see Levi's expression. He didn't realize he was crying, being so far out of reality as he was, but he felt the wetness when Levi's fingers ran over it. He didn't want to have Levi see him crying again. God knew the man had to pick up his pieces too many times, having to wipe his tears away way too often.

Eren had thought he was past random breakdowns. Had thought Levi wouldn't have to do this anymore. But two sentences exchanged with his coach and here they were again. As if none of the progress Eren had made with his therapist ever happened.

Levi didn't say anything to Eren refusing to look at him, and he didn't say anything when Eren nuzzled into his hand, pressing his cheek hard against Levi's warm palm. Instead he only spread his fingers wider, burying them in Eren's hair, as he drew soft circles over Eren's skin with his thumb. Letting Eren gather himself for however long he needed and Eren was so fucking grateful. Loved the man more than he could ever express.

"How did you find me?" Eren finally asked in a quiet voice.

Levi took a second to reply but then he sighed, "Mikasa said you might be here. Said she wasn't sure you'd want her to come here."

Eren chuckled, a sound void of any amusement. "Thank fuck, I wouldn't want her to see me like this." Eren gulped, trying to force down a sob.

Levi only squeezed his elbow before he moved over to sit next to Eren against the wall before he threw one arm around Eren's shoulders and pulled him close. Eren let himself fall. Let his shoulder hit Levi painfully in the ribs, let his head rest in the crook of Levi's neck, hiding from the world.

With his eyes tightly shut, Eren didn't notice Levi move his other hand, but only moments after they had settled, he felt Levi lightly thread his fingers through his hair, slowly and carefully, and the tears started welling up again.

But Eren refused to cry any more. The safety of Levi's embrace was comforting and it was tempting to let go, but Eren was all too aware they were still in a semi-public space. All too aware he'd soon have to go out there and function again. All too aware Ymir was there and being her tactful self, she would inevitably ask why his eyes were so red if she saw him after he let himself cry it out.

So instead, Eren took a deep breath, focusing on the feeling of Levi's fingers against his scalp, on the comfortable weight of his arm against Eren's shoulders, on the smell of Levi's cologne.

Soon, Eren was able to open his eyes and turn his head to the side to glare at the opposite wall. Only small remnants of his anxiety were still alive inside of him, mostly in the form of a fog on his mind. Slow to process, slow to react. Hopefully he wouldn't have too much work to do on his own later.

No, what he felt now was not anxiety. It was anger.

White hot anger at the unfairness of it all, at the selfishness of that guy, at the nerve he had to try and make _Eren_ feel guilty for being upset. He had no goddamn right to judge Eren's feelings and he was not entitled to have everyone worshiping the ground he walked on. Suddenly, Eren wanted to break something. To hit something – some _one_ – so hard his knuckles bled. He wanted to scream and cry angry tears and get all the years of bottled up emotions out.

He was shaking, Eren noticed when he raised his hand up to search for one of Levi's to hold on to.

Levi made it easy for him, catching his hand in his own and lacing their fingers together before he pressed a kiss to Eren's temple. Eren felt his lips twitch up a little.

He looked at their joined hands for a moment, contemplating if he should say what he wanted to say. Repeating the three little words in his head again and again, they burned on his tongue, wanting to be let out. He needed to say but it was hard to do. Hard to put a definite label on what he was feeling, hard to say out loud.

Eventually, the words spilled out anyway; Eren wasn't known for being able to keep his mouth shut. "I hate him," he mumbled, he himself surprised by the amount of venom he managed to pack into that simple sentence.

Levi's hold on Eren's hand tightened minutely right as he clicked his tongue, followed by low growl, "Good, because every time I hear his name, I want to rip him to fucking shreds."

Eren snorted. He couldn't help it, he just had to laugh at how serious Levi sounded in that moment. Like he literally wanted to go and with his bare hands tear little bits of flesh off of Eren's old coach's body until there was nothing left of him but a gross, bloody pile of meat.

Eren didn't know why but the mental picture was so absurd it was funny. Then the fact that Levi wasn't judging him for overreacting over the affair, was maybe even angrier about everything than Eren himself... it was incredibly assuring and a huge relief. Almost like Eren was allowed to let things affect him, allowed to feel, allowed to stop forgiving. Allowed to be done with someone, and Eren wasn't used to it – years of being with Levi and he was still amazed by the amount of respect and love the other was giving him.

Eren really didn't deserve this man.

"Thank you," Eren sighed after a moment, pressing just a bit closer to Levi. As if he wanted to crawl into Levi's arms completely and never leave the warmth, safety and protection his boyfriend was providing him with.

Levi shook his head at his words, replying with a huff, "Don't thank me, I'm sorry I couldn't be here earlier. Could have at least broken his arm."

Eren chuckled again. It was amazing how much better he was feeling just having Levi next to him, threatening with violence; somehow pushing the anxiety away until it was just a dull echo in the background.

Before Eren could say anything back, his phone buzzed with an incoming message. Groaning, Eren dug the device out to read the text, a snort immediately leaving him.

Turning the screen to show his boyfriend, Levi raised his eyebrows as he read Jean's words out loud, "'Stop sucking Levi's dick and get the fuck back to work before you scar any kids for life.' Wow, Eren, how kinky."

Slapping Levi's knee with a laugh, Eren finally pulled himself away from the comfort of Levi's embrace to get up, Levi following a second later. Before he could take Levi's hand to lead him back to the main hall, Levi instead grabbed his forearm to make him stand still. Eren blinked a few times, frowning slightly with confusion.

Levi only shook his head as he stepped closer, standing right in front of Eren and reaching up with his other hand... only to ruffle Eren's hair, obviously trying to mess it up as much as he could.

"Hey, stop it!" Eren cried, barely suppressed giggles in his voice as he attempted to take a step back to escape.

"Come on, Eren," Levi stated flatly. "You need to look properly fucked out to make Jean happy."

"Levi!" Eren shouted as laughter overcame him. Levi was so ridiculous sometimes.

Suddenly, something warm pressed against his lips and Eren grinned into the kiss, as brief and chaste as it was.

"Get back to the idiots out there, I'll bring you something to eat," Levi said with a smirk, and leaned up to give Eren one more peck on the lips.

Eren smiled all the way back to the main hall and he continued smiling when Jean gave him a disgusted look over the state his hair was in. Smiled even when Ymir took a snap of him to send to everyone with a huge, cheeky grin on her face. Eren didn't want to know what commentary she added to the snap.

And he was definitely smiling when Levi came back with a plate overflowing of food right along with a huge, steaming cup of coffee.

God, how Eren loved this man.

* * *

 **A/N:** Now that this is out of the way, hopefully I can actually work on the stuff I'm supposed to be working on...


End file.
